Japanese Lightning

The dense grey clouds block my vision but I can still hear the thunder trace the sky above my head.

My hat brim wilts under the heavy rain but my smile is still here.

Quick, gracious sounds of Japanese fly above my head, yet they still bow to a caddy.

“2 cups right.” As the ball rolls, knees buckle and thunder cracks. lightning above the clouds creates a glow inside the cup. Draino. More bows.

They see no need to stop. Lightning does not scare them. I think…they’re swinging the clubs…as I lower the flagstick. And on we play.

Rivers form, rushing but only  a 170 carry. Swing easy.

Hono laughs constantly; whether from rain or as a custom, I don’t know. His partner, Mr. Tschikuri, always hands me his clubs to carry

An umbrella or rain-jacket or even a poncho would have been nice. I wonder if the caddie master expects us to run in the rain? Do mailmen ever run? So I stay back on the tee to pick up Hono’s topped shots. “Hit another, I’ll meet you in the fairway.”

A marshal’s wisdom finally warns us to head in. I noticed the lightning hours ago but there was no horn. Yet they want to continue. Behind us, I point out, is a tree or the pale, leafless branches what’s left of one, split down the middle by lightning.

“Well, I guess it is for safety,” says Mr. Tschikuri. After 3 hours of relentless downpour and thunder, only that burnt tree convinces them to stop playing.

Plates and Pantless Players

I was standing at the tee, waiting for my group to show, and noticed a golfer had one of the hugest putters I’ve ever seen.  So I walked up to him and said “Sir, is that a putter or a plate?”

“Are you making fun of me?” he sounded hurt, “You know Seve Ballesteros won the Masters two years ago with this putter.  Well, this model.” (please don’t fact check, point is he defended his putter.)

“Yeah, I’m sure it’s a great putter.” Did he really want me to put him at ease?  I walked away not wanting to hurt this guy’s delicate feelings.  I then overheard him talking to his wife.

“That was a low blow.” he told her.

“Oh, he was just trying to be funny.” she knew my intentions. 

  Maybe it was the hangover hindering my humor but most golfers like these kind of jokes; men out on the course are crude and poking fun is, well, great fun.  So insults done cautiously are the best.  

“Caddie, which way does this putt break?”  

“That depends sir.  Are you going to push it or pull it?”

So my group eventually teed off and it was a memorable round if only for one hole.  We got to the 17th, a 180 yard par three with the worst false-front on the entire course.  I love this hole, so funny.  Players land short and chip up but not far enough.  Back comes the ball, usually farther then where they started.  Sometimes this happens three, four times.  Ha!  

There was one guy in the group who was new to the game.  He miss clubbed himself all day long; not surprising, most people think they hit the ball farther than they actually do.  I tell people to take more club but then I get a good player and they knock it over the green.  But this player had a six iron, no way he could carry that 180 yards.  I hand him the 5 wood.  That’ll get you there.

The other golfers tee off and all miss the green.  So now it’s the newbie’s turn.  The alpha golfer saw the same game from the newbie I’ve seen all day long.  Alpha golfer doesn’t have any faith.  “If you can hit the green, I’ll walk up to the green with my pants off.”  Ha, wouldn’t that be funny?

So the newbie steps up, does his four or five practice swings, and hits the ball.  This is his best one of the day, low but straight.  The ball lands about 120 yards from the green and keeps on rolling, up the false front and stops pin-high, about 7 feet from the cup.  We couldn’t believe it!

So Alpha golfer, being a man of his word, starts walking.  He takes off his pants and walks, 180 yards, in his underwear, up to the green.  Wow, we didn’t stop laughing until the end of the 18th.

Wind Direction

If God created the heavens and the earth, the devil added winds.  Half the battle can be figuring out what this devilish source will do to the ball once you hit a perfect shot high into the heavens.  I caddy in the hill country where there’s lots of hills so figuring out the wind direction can be tough.  Here’s a few tips:

• Look for water.  Ripples will almost always reveal the wind direction.  And if you all you see is glass-like calmness then now is a good time to swing.

• Watch the tallest trees, not all of them.  In canyons or hilly terrain it can be especially difficult to trust the trees or even what you feel on your body.  Wind can swirl creating a feeling on the ground opposite from the wind up there.  So watch the highest point, that’s what’s going on.

• You could grab some grass and toss it in the air but that’s, umm, typical and a waste of grass.  A better way is toss your hat high into the air and see where it lands.  A hat makes for the perfect wind sail and can be tossed much higher than grass.

• Just because you don’t feel anything doesn’t mean there’s no wind.  Use the above factors to determine where the wind is coming from and trust your judgement.

• Learn to hit a knock-down shot.  Easiest way is take 2 clubs extra, move the ball back a couple inches (towards your right foot) and make half a swing.  Tiger says the way to hit high shots is finish high, low shots finish low.  You already have extra club so swing easy and finish low.  Typically knockdown shots promote a draw flight (or pull) so aim a little right.

The most important part is never give up.  Remember, at least it’s not rain, sleet, snow, or hail even if it is up-hill both ways.  And as always, enjoy!

Where to Hide

Trees make great hiding spots.  The only problem is there’s no way to tell how a ball will bounce trough the limbs.  The only time I’ve ever been hit by a golf ball was because of a small tree.  I was tracking the ball fine, knowing it was heading directly for me.  I know better than to react prematurely; the curve of a golf ball is reversely proportional to the number of rounds a golfer has played and this banana ball may have well been hit by an ape.  So it came time to duck, dodge, dive, dip or dodge and the ball disappeared, or rather a limb blocked my view.  I lost the ball!  Just stand still, it will come back into view.  Oh, too late, now my arm has a softball-sized whelp.  

But my group was all ladies and as it turned out, there was a doctor on the course.  I love lady golfers; they always want to take care of me.  Women say things like “Oh, you must be hungry. Have this apple.” and they actually want encouragement.  I told her she was lucky I knocked the ball back in bounds.  She expertly crafted an ice pack and for the next few holes I took it a bit easier, trying not to make my arm into an excuse ‘cause it looked worse than it was.

The point is, always have a good hiding spot and it’s better to stand on the left side of someone than the right side.  I’ve seen plenty of people hit the ball 90 degrees from their target, straight right.  The laws of physics don’t explain this shot, must be beginners “luck”.  And don’t ever say the s-word.  Not what flies are attracted to but the word for things prisoners make to stab each other.  Once you say it, you will be cursed for at least the rest of the round.  Trust me on this.

You may think a golf cart is a great place to hide.  Not true.  Have you ever heard the sound of a ball bouncing around in a golf cart?  The point is to avoid being hit, not to be hit multiple times.  Lower the sore the better right?  

Okay, so stand behind people hitting.  Not to the right of them, like you want to watch the line of flight their shot takes.  No, directly behind them.  Well, make some space of course but behind them is the best place to be.  It’s also respectful, watch the pros and see where they stand.  Either directly in front (pros don’t sh@nk) or behind. 

Good luck!

What do You Think About Golf? the poll

To Begin With

  I suppose the proper place to start is on the practice green.  Most golfers go straight to the range and begin whacking away.  They might attempt a few stretches; pull the club over-head, bend over, rotate and listen for the cracks.  It’s no surprise their on-course routine suffers the same inescapable fate: duffs, tops, and snickers from their friends.  

  But you, dear reader, can learn from the mistakes of others.  Believe me, there are many, many common mistakes and I see them often.  My plan with this blog is to show the hilarity and human condition of the game; to entertain but also to inform.  And please send me your own stories, I’m sure you have a few.

  So back to the putting green.  I believe in starting small, working my way up to the full swing.  You don’t have to start with the flat stick in hand, just hit some chips.  Take your eight iron, wedge, heck even people use a 3 wood these days from the fringe (and beyond).  Hit a bunch of chips just to get the proper contact, the feel of ball to middle of club.  Then you can move on the pitches, and then full swings.  

  So stay tuned.  Golf happens whether you want it to or not.  Lucky for you, I’ll filter our the boring parts and give you a concentrated dose.  Hope you enjoy the shot!